Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
fr
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.