me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
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Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
accurate
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”