friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
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If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!