Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.