What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Bruh PLEASE
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.