Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today