boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
☠️☠️☠️
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Not today, today.
Not today.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
😂🤣😂🤣
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow