Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”