My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Life is a suicide mission.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac