I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Well, this explains it:
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…