I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
You Might Also Like
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Cheers Twitter.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over