saving face 👀
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I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!