GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….