Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up