[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The three genders.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.