cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??