I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39掳; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I鈥檇 fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don鈥檛 know where you belong. You鈥檙e very insane.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He鈥檚 been driving for the last hour
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
馃幎 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 馃幎
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They鈥檇 lost their shopping lists and didn鈥檛 have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don鈥檛 think I should be jury foreman.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Apparently I鈥檓 not giving my toddler enough food because she鈥檚 trying to eat our fridge magnets
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You can鈥檛 hurt me. You鈥檙e not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread