Broom by every window for quick escape.
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Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.