My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.