“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Your honor these allegations are
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.