spicy snake
You Might Also Like
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man