“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
#StillHurts
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day