Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.