Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Hamburger Hinderer.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.