Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat