accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT