*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
had to make it
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today