My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
What flavor cupcake are these
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit