It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
How to wake up a Beagle
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???