You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.