Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.