normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.