Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.