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instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves