Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?