[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Namaste
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Yes, but it was never about money
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
It’s a gift
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know