Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.