After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”