Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
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turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.