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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
how to market bottled water to dads
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐