I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?