If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*