Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
😂🤣😂🤣
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!