I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
The first one, obviously
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down