ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Autocarrot sucks!
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Haha! 😂
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me