Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: how are you
Friday: good
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.