Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.