My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: