[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.