Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Noah
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.